I have a desire. I desire to be a contestant on an Indian Idol type show. Not because I believe that I will win or anything. When I sing, I sound like a bullfrog in heat calling out to its mate to come get some. I have no illusions about winning. I want to be a contestant just so I can answer those retarded personal questions they ask their contestants. Which they then post all over the Internet proudly.
Here's a sample from just such a show that I found a link to: http://ekmainaurektu.sifymax.com/contestants/saptak/
If you don't have time to click the link (and I suggest that you do not make the time), here are the questions and the contestant's answers.
Hometown - Kolkata
Source of Inspiration - My Mom & Dad
Learning Music from - My Father, Alip Banarjee, now Pandit JAYANTA BOSE
Best Friend - My Father
Can`t live without - My Mom & Dad.
Weakness - Family, Music
Crazy About - My Father & Mother, Home Food
Love is - Music & Happiness
Music is - Life
Okay, I have to stop at this point, because I feel a retch coming on something fierce. The rest of this inanity can be found if you follow the link. I can almost see the giggling, overflowing, thirty-something-but-acting-all-seventeen, pansy-boy host of the show asking these bland questions and gurgling happily when the contestant gives his cloying answers.
What's up with these sugary answers? Why can't people be crabbier and crankier? Like me. Grinning idiots come a dozen to a dollar; it's nice and fresh to be a fucking crank.
So I want to be on this show and answer these questions. And I have my answers prepared right now.
Hometown - Today, Milwaukee. Tomorrow, who the hell knows.
Source of Inspiration - No one you would want to trust your child with. Actually, no one, full stop.
Learning Music from - Learnt how to play the guitar once from some guy. Either he was not a good teacher or I was not a good student.
Best Friend - Whoever is buying me the next drink.
Can't live without - Stupidest and most pointless question I ever heard. Okay, let's say: you. Let's say I can't live without you. What's it worth to you? ...Yes, my point exactly.
Weakness - Nothing. Or Everything. Depends on how you look at it......Okay, now STOP looking at it!
Crazy About - Yo Momma.
Love is - Like a beautiful unicorn. In other words, it's like a convenient fucking fairytale that no one has ever seen, and not seriously believed in by any sane person over the age of twelve.
Music is - Expensive, depending on where from and how much you're buying.
Hobbies - None of your fucking business. Pansy-boy.
Favourite Color - Remember when I called one of those questions above "the stupidest and most pointless question I ever heard." Turns out I was wrong. That wasn't the stupidest.
Superstitious About - Nothing.
Place where you would like to go on Vacation - I personally wouldn't go on vacation. I'll rest when I'm dead. I know where I would like to send some people though so they would leave me the fuck alone. Also, yo momma.
Favourite Actor - Fuck them all. God will recognize his own. Actually, come to think of it, fuck God too.
Favourite Actress - See above.
Achievements - What's an "achievement"?
Favourite Singer - See fourth line above this line, counting from this line.
